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Why I'm always feeling behind

I hate this feeling that I need to punish myself by refraining from recreational or fun or relaxing things when there are things (work and school) that I need to do. I think it goes back to my childhood, where I can still hear my parents' voices “You can watch TV after you finish your homework”. Of course, that makes perfect sense; homework is a priority over whatever garbage is on the TV.

As an adult, with much more on my plate than homework, I think it’s different. My brain works differently. Certainly, my physical body works differently. I need those mental and physical breaks. I am very much starting to realize that I get increasingly ineffective the longer I go without a break.

I don’t think my mentality (my psyche?) has caught up to accepting that yet. I still feel like I shouldn’t read my book until I have crossed all of the items off of my list, for both work and school. Even the “honey do” list for around the house haunts me.

I also realize that my to-do lists are week-long (sometimes multiple weeks long). So even when I feel I’m at a stopping point for the day, I still feel “behind” in my to-do list. This isn’t good. It certainly isn’t healthy. I’m clearly out of sync.

I’m not distracted rather, I think I seek distraction because I am overwhelmed. Minimizing distractions has the opposite effect because of this. When I seek distraction, I will actively find and procrastinate (I’m super effective at this).

So, this is where I am and, these are things I know will help me:

  • Work in 90 minute increments. The Pomodoro method... almost. If I break out my tasks and schedule them for 90 minute spurts, I am suprisingly effective and productive.
  • Stop punishing myself for taking breaks and vegging out.
  • Write. Write. Write. Journaling (pen in notebook) and blogging (pounding the keybaord) are both therapeutic and help me get my thoughts in order. Write. Write. And then, write some more.
Not a comprehensive nor complete list of things but, they are what I have learned so far. It's a process.


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